Believer

I opened a box filled with old journals of mine. A specific journal was one Ivy and I shared from 2009 through 2011. 2011 was the beginning of the end for us. Needless to say I was shook by her words. Reading them was a realization of how much I denied or ignored. I was also shook by the uninhibited passion we had for each other. But, I won't detail our words and feelings then - now. Notable in the majority of her entries was the presence of her faith in God. I read "Keep God in my life" often in her entries. During our couple's counseling, the top two priorities on her list were:

1. Pray Together
2. Pray With the Children

I didn't indulge or lead prayer with Ivy or the children. She expected me to lead because Ivy was old fashioned. Even with her individual goals and aspirations, she submitted to my lead. She wrote in our journal that I was her King. With so much going wrong among me and her children, I couldn't get out of my head. I was selfish in just wanting my wife back. We were inseparable. I wanted us to miraculously get better but silly me paid no attention to who usually handles miracles. Faith wasn't on my priority list. Faith wasn't a priority for some time. Despite faith warriors like my Grandmother Lulu, my Grandfather Jessie Williams, my Uncle Brandon, my Great Aunt Janie Burgess and the years of Catholic school education; my faith had become shaky. In another journal I took out the box, I wrote an entry 5/1/1994 9:14pm:

{ I was chillin' at Denise's apartment and found myself sarcastically ranting about religion. Denise was a coworker in college who eventually became a paramour. I was staring at the ceiling when this southern preacher took over my body. I wasn't preaching the word. I was doubting it. I paraphrased an Ice Cube outtake from his Death Certificate cd.

"Why are you looking at the sky?'

"I'm waiting on my lord and savior Jesus Christ."

"So you just gonna stare at the sky and wait for Jesus to fall out of it and save you?"

"That's right. Jesus will come for me." }

Denise asked why I was rambling but I kept on rambling...

{ What are you offering to the lord today? If you want forgiveness you have to give to me. I spoke to the lord. You can too if you offer the right amount. A dollar will get acknowledgement but five dollars will bring forgiveness. How much do you love the lord? } I don't know what brought on the extreme doubt but the urge to spite those who claim to do God's work in the name of Jesus was overwhelming. Denise and I didn't have much conversation that night. We were on opposite ends of her living room doing homework. But, I felt comfortable letting the controversial speak with Denise.

Faith and God are interwoven in my spiritual beliefs. Belief in the Jesus we were taught was my angst. Fueling the angst was the race relations between Black people and the rest of the world. My years in college were my awakening. My Uncle Charles gave me a book by Jawanza Kunjufu "Countering the Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys." I was 14 years old already with a love of reading but the book went over my head. The contents weren't in my consciousness. I was aware but not concerned or angry. In college, I met young men from The Nation of Islam. I met students with books by Van Sertima and Chiek Diop. I cross registered at Southern University to take Black Literature classes. I met one of my best friend's Danny "Dawg" Lenoir. Pride and uncovering text book lies became new passions. 

Some scholars believe the story of Jesus was enhanced to control the people - lower classes, slaves. There are similar stories in ancient Greece, ancient Persia and ancient Egypt. The Spaniards and French fought wars and colonized in the name of Jesus. Anglo Europe took the story to another level of oppression when colonizing Africa, the Caribbean and America - most notably the evils of King Léopold and the buyers and sellers of the African slave trade. The chuckling fact about Jesus is that most believers refuse to call him by his ancient name. 2000 years ago, the letter J didn't exist. If there was a Jesus, his name was most likely Yeshua. Why is there a Greek spelling and English translation for a Middle Eastern man? I don't know my roots but I know of Jesus.

Most ethnicities outside of the Americas can trace their history and culture back thousands of years. Black Americans have a few hundred years of history that we can easily identify. After that it's get murky. Who are we? Black is not a heritage. Black was a creation that represents the whitewashing of my original dialect, my culture, my faith, my origin. Africa is a continent filled with multiple dialects, tribes, cultures and origins. Africa is not a country. It's not a country like Ireland where Irish Americans feel prideful to call home. Most importantly, an Irish American can go to Ireland; to a specific city; a specific town and maybe a specific address to start their lineage.

Sign that was applied to the building of St. Mary's Assumption Church in the Irish Channel New Orleans. It now hangs in St. Alphonsus Church. St. Mary's was built by German immigrants.

  

The Bible has been downgraded in my faith to a metaphor. It is a collection of metaphors that relate to God's intentions for us. The Book of Revelations wasn't the only apocalypse in the Bible. Noah's Arc was an apocalypse. Sodom and Gomorrah was an apocalypse but there are people of the stars still trying to predict the coming of Jesus and his judgement. The history of man dictates there should be an apocalypse every century to correct our wickedness. God is needed. God is love. Love is the word that is not resonating. Many can quote the Bible concerning the practice of tithing or the justification of slavery but love gets lost in the fear and wrath of "God's word." In the Bible, God kills - Satan doesn't. Why should I fear a loving God? Fear is one of the best tactics to oppress. I believe the story of Jesus is a metaphor for the oppressed. The story of Jesus is the story of Black people. Keep your blue eyed, fair skinned Jesus. I am the son of God.  

{ Black people are God's chosen people. This world is a test for white people. We represent the kingdom they seek. Some white people won't see it. }

My theory is not factual or scholarly but it is based on my faith in God. God is love. This world has become the polar opposite of love. My Dad wondered aloud why Black people have gone through so much... I answered this world is not for us. It was never intended for us. Our perseverance and survival through constant brutality is because we a godly. God lives through us. God gave us all free will but She also gave us the ability to love unconditionally. Yes, I believe God is a woman but that's for another blog entry...