Phucknigga.com

"You a fuck nigga. You know what? You're worse than a fuck nigga. You a fuck nigga who think he a good brotha."

- Tasha (Insecure, TV series)

Tasha was the proverbial rebound for Lawrence. He was Issa's boyfriend until Issa cheated. Tasha wasn't random. She was the bank teller who deposited Lawrence's unemployment checks. She flirted and pursued knowing Lawrence had a girlfriend. He was unemployed despite being a deft computer programmer. He wanted his App ideas to grow into a business. Issa grew weary of hearing "Working on my business plan." Her support was becoming resentment. The relationship was stale. She wanted to be reignited so she slept with an old friend.
Lawrence left and immediately got with Tasha. Tasha is $5000 a night pole dancer fine but Lawrence's heart obviously wasn't in it. Little things about Tasha became big annoyances. Her grammar; her love of reality TV; her simple requests for closeness all became annoyances he didn't try to overlook or talk through. When his passive aggressiveness reached a head, Tasha walked away. Fuck nigga.

I recognized about a year ago I have fuck nigga tendencies. To save a relationship and my sanity, I talked to a therapist because I hated being a fuck nigga - especially one who believes he is good. I truly thought I was still a good guy with good intentions.

Most who know me know of my past relationship with Ivy. She was my unicorn - so I thought. When she was pleased, she said "Right on" through a gorgeous smile. Her fashion sense was A+. I asked about it just being curious about why she looked edible every single day. Her response: " I don't dress to please other female expectations. I dress to look good for you." She was stunning yet grounded and humble. Within two years, it was over mainly because my relationship with her tween daughter was disastrous. As the relationship with her daughter became intolerable, my resentment deflected towards Ivy and I lost her. I became lost and wandered to the edge of a cliff.

After Ivy, I dated. I was pleasant but closed. I thought I was considerate, but being considerate is not moving on to another woman because the previous took pictures of her food every time we went to dinner. Fuck nigga. He went into hibernation when I met my daughter Skyler's mom - Ana. She walked by with that body.

I had to know her. I asked for her phone number. She relented two days later. We talked about books. She loved to read and so did I. She's visually impaired like my daughter Sydney so she wore glasses - even more adorable. Books became our connection. Co-workers would heckle us from across the convention center, "Stop talking to my woman!" Ana and I would smile then she would get closer, "I'm not your woman yet." During the courtship, she dropped three red flags I chose to ignore:

1. "You are the first real boyfriend I've had."
2. "I never get close. One day I could be gone."
3. "Dominicans are crazy."

About a year into the relationship, #2 came to fruition. I was devastated. I felt I gave my all to her. As with Ivy, other woman couldn't compete at all. We told each other I love you but love wasn't enough. She didn't want to be in a relationship. Three years since the breakup, she still hasn't been in a relationship. During our breakup, when she said I love you with watery eyes - I fell off the cliff. My mind went from zero to fuck bitches. My conscience still wanted to be the good brotha. My actions reflected my mindstate - fuck nigga. 

I let scars define me. I screwed up relationship after relationship since because I wasn't true to myself. I knew I wanted to be happy but I didn't know the definition of self love. I would get into my head and couldn't get out. During arguments, I immediately felt I was being attacked so I clapped back. I hurt some very good women along my process. Hiding truths to "save the feelings" of someone is never productive but I did that often. I hated arguing. Arguing seemed to bring out the worst in me. Intentions are everything. Don't get into a potential relationship if she is not who you desire. Everyone has preferences. Those preferences keeps the fire lit when the personality works your nerves. Those preferences keeps the fire lit when wanton lust dissolves. It eventually does. Fuck niggas are extremely selfish. There's no reason to mind intentions. To do so means to consider the other person. Why would a fuck nigga do that?