The Wall

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"What changed?"
"What? What do you mean?"
"Something just changed. What's wrong?"
"Nothing... I'm just tired."
"You sure?"
"What?"
"Tell me what's wrong..."

I've had this or similar exchanges with women dozens of occasions. I don't intend to be vague or distant. In these exchanges, my mind is usually on self preservation. I'm not only shutting down, I'm thinking of words to shut the conversation. Those words usually don't come. I'm at a loss of how to protect myself from someone I love. I don't want to honestly express why she annoyed me. My mind is also on her protection. I want to protect her from my sarcasm; my vitriol and my selfishness. The Mr. Hyde to my quick wit are my biting words. My mind is filled but I'm not thinking. Maybe she just wants some time. I'm not thinking about that. Maybe something is on her mind and it's me. I'm not thinking about that. LSU football is on. I'm in the middle of binge watching Insecure. Can't she see I'm focused on something? I immediately assume instead of engaging. When I engage, my assumptions cause me to attack.

"That's a nice painting."
"It really is."
"The colors are soothing."
"Yeah they hold the painting together."
"Do you wanna hold me?"

The correct answer is "Of course I want to hold you." My answer is "Really?" My mind interprets this as she doesn't think I want to hold her. Why? Where is she going with this? I'm trapped in my mind. Rational me finally says, "I love holding you" but it's too late. The initial look of bewilderment followed by disgust turned simplicity into a physics equation.

I tell women past relationships don't affect my present. Experiences... that's another animal. Some have left scars. Four of the most coveted loves of my life have all walked away. One was Native American. Another was Dominican. Another was Black and another was a 38 year old Filipina who looked 21.. That's global L's. All left trigger words that easily raise my wall.

"Why don't you love me like the others?"
"I'll never leave you."
"Open up to me."
"Do you love me?"
"It's up to you."

My wall has been my greatest detriment to all of my relationships. It was built after my shy phase ended in 1990. It actually wasn't built. My wall was fortified. I was born and raised with it. My parents have walls. Not surprisingly, my wall is higher and more daunting. The only good thing about my wall is I know it exists and I hate it. None of the walk-away-four could climb or penetrate my wall. Ironically a relationship I walked away from was a grass field with a few trees. No walls.

I just moved to a new city. A co-worker said I needed a beer so we entered a strip club. As I walked by the main stage, I looked up and she smiled. Every dancer smiled at potential tips but her smile felt different. After her dance, she sat at our table. Every dancer does that for a potential private dance but she never asked. For a dancer/customer conversation, it felt genuine so I did the thirsty thing of giving her my business card. Despite the conversation, I was sure my card would find the waste basket in her dressing room. I didn't expect to hear from her but three days later she called. Two days after that we met for drinks. The smile that grabbed me was there the entire night yet in many different emotions. She was engaging. She was a stripper. That was her skill. Right? Thank goodness for that skill because soon we were inseparable.

 I never felt the world when I was with her. She had a way of making our everyday moments calming or light without her personality being extra sentimental... extra affectionate... extra jokes... or just extra. I felt completely at ease with her because of her reactions. If my day was long, she gently rubbed the fade I had back then. I was still paying for hair cuts. If I said something sarcastic, she gave wicked side eye but a version of her smile was also there. If I was moody... "Be like that but you will want my goodie later." She wasn't wrong. I surely did. She read me well. She knew how to manipulate my complications. She knew how to walk away from my bullshit without making me feel in limbo. She protected me. She was proud of me. She threw shade at her stripper friends with me. She was down - not for me but with me. She fell for a square like me which in her world was sacrilege.

About a year into our relationship, she asked me to marry her. Easily the best girlfriend I ever had and I said no. Before the no, I hesitated. I saw tremendous hurt and I felt horrible. Stripping had nothing to do with my answer. By that time, she stopped dancing and was bartending. I went into my mind. I searched and found extra. There had to be some for me to say no. I remembered when we were kicked out of a club because of a temper she never used on me. The doorman sprayed mace in her eyes. I lost it but somehow was able to get her to water. Apparently she had incidents at other clubs and bars.

"Let's go to this bar tonight."
"I can't go there..."

We talked about her temper and she promised she would get better. Then the alcohol. She called often at midnight while closing her bar to meet her at another bar for drinks. Didn't matter it was Tuesday and I needed to be alert and ready for work at 7am. Somehow she made it home so drunk, she pissed in the bed. We talked about the alcohol and she promised she would get better. My wall went up. Despite her vices, my "No" betrayed her.

"I thought we were better than this."
I couldn't say anything. My mind was overwhelmed by her tears.