HER: Explained


There have been plenty moments in my life when I've sighed, "How da fuck did I get here?" Some of the moments have been on a beach side balcony in Pensacola Florida. Some of the moments have been on walks with my daughters. The wonderment and joy were overwhelming. Some of the moments have been in social occasions where beautifully gifted people filled the room. Most of my "Da Fuck" moments occurred while in a relationship. Most likely in a relationship I shouldn't have been involved - hence, "How da fuck did I get here?"

Secretly, when the relationship has gone sour and ended, I'm immediately jonesing for another. I'm a loner who doesn't want to always be alone. I want alone on my terms. When it's not on my terms, my relationship history suggests I leave doors open to the familiar. I am a sensitive Black man but more so, I'm a man who habitually makes bad decisions for lust and love. As bad as some relationships can be and have been, I love them. I loved every girlfriend. I love the allure. I love the love making. I love the sharing. I love the quiet time to just be. I love the fuck after the argument. I hate the arguments. I love the conversations. I love the passion. Nina Simone wrote in her journal that she was 'addicted to the violence' whenever her husband abused her.


As a loner, I'm addicted to intimacy. If the need for intimacy brings me back to dysfunction, I don't mind. I'm not thinking about potential consequences. I'm thinking of making the passion last. When the passion has passed - even for an hour... not patiently waiting for the fire to burn again, I'm lost. I'm lost but persistent. I move on quickly but not because I'm cruel. I move for protection. I move on even if moving back to the same heart break. I've tricked my mind into believing I won't boomerang back to HER. I actually feel lighter yet stronger. I also feel the vibrations of HER voice in my ears. HER is my intimate past. They know my addictions. They also know their allure. 



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