Infidelity is Not a Mistake

From my perspective - a man, infidelity is not a mistake. I've never fallen in vagina. Women have 100% control of consent therefore I know of no woman who was impaled by dick. Infidelity is premeditated. The thought process to cheat may take 5 seconds or 5 weeks. There's always a prelude. There are no valid reasons to cheat, but there are motivations and excuses that are usually lame.

One of the most whimsical excuses for cheating is when alcohol is involved. "I was drunk" is the cheaters chorus. The attempt is to absolve personal responsibility and place the blame on something that's known to aid in bad decisions. I do believe there is something about alcohol that lets the body freelance on mind's thoughts. There is thought. There are choices. There is thought in drinking more. There is thought in offering more drinks with hopes of where inhibitions will lead. Alcohol doesn't induce the mistake. Alcohol is more truth than arbitrary.

My oldest daughter's Mom and I met in 1991. From that initial night until our marriage in 1998, we were a duo. Friends and family knew and called us as a duo. Our singular identities as Danielle and Jerry were absolved but I didn't mind. I cherished our companionship. Danielle was the first girlfriend against whom I cheated. I know exactly why I cheated. The arguments became more frequent. During the arguments, she scolded me like a son instead of talking to me as her boyfriend. Resentment crept in but I didn't want to leave her. Any serious thought about leaving her never entered my mind but I wanted a break. I needed fresh air. As it seems with most cheaters, I chose a co-worker. I started to compare the two. The co-worker was easier. She was new. She was exciting. She was chill to be with. Danielle's intuition burned. She confronted us. The next week, we talked. I cried. The only moment I cried in my adult life. A few years later we were married. Sydney was conceived on our wedding night.

The comparisons of one to another can birth pettiness. It's not necessarily annoyances about: she doesn't shave her legs or she snores or she doesn't cook but these perceived annoyances can lead to pettiness. The friendly woman with shaved legs and a smile can go from anonymous to paramour within a few texts. I tried my best not to compare but there are certain characteristics about some of the women I've loved that are difficult to forget. Unfair comparisons mixed with a touch of resent can lead to infidelity.

Gigi was a victim of comparisons and the security blanket. When I met Gigi, I was in a long distance relationship. She as in West Texas so I'll call her Texas. Texas was a great friend before we became intimate. We easily vibed. We sometimes disagreed but I can't recall an argument. I didn't fully commit to Texas because I compared her to herself. A few years prior, She was a curvaceous hottie. I longed to see that version of Texas. Shallow... I'm fully aware. Texas became my security blanket. I didn't want to lose our friendship. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Gigi and I were contentious pretty early in the relationship. We were already having break up to make up arguments. With instability looming between us, the Texas sized blanket was comfort. Gigi would later become my core. She was my future. I had no interests in other women but instability in many forms broke our spirits and tested our sanity.

Since the Gigi and Texas comparison almost 3 years ago I now have no hesitations in telling a woman the real. The process has been helped by an understanding of myself. The process has also been helped by not being a complete asshole. I'm still asshole - ish but not indifferent. By trying not to hurt the feelings of some of the women I've loved or been involved with I instead broke hearts with either the deceit of infidelity or my intention to move on. There's no apology for infidelity. It's definitely not a mistake.. The slightest turn off can change a man's mind about his woman. In those shallow moments is when the conversation "Why do you wear sweatpants to bed" need to be had. If not, the negative build-up begins. The comparisons. The pettiness. The resentment. The mistake.