Man Cave with Instructions

Sometimes I need Jazz music and my hookah. A fruit and mint shisha and the current Jazz rotation is Robohands' "Green" and Shinya Fukumori Trio's "For 2 Akis." The mood with those settings is pleasant because there is no mood. I'm not thinking. The universe holds me - massages my head; clouds my mind. I'm tired. I don't want to think. I especially don't want to think for anyone else. Detox. Empty. My parents often tell me to make sure I take care of myself. I often don't heed those words consciously or actively. Emotionally, I'm selfish. I want what I want. My selfish wants often don't induce action. I usually go with the flow. I live for the moment and cherish the joys. I treat the moment like a professional in not getting too high or going to low. Flatline is my pulse. When I need Jazz and hookah, I like to feel the pulse and enjoy my silent mind.

I get accused of not caring. I use to hear "You don't care" often. Once was too much. If I won the lottery (I would have to play), I would still send my ex wife a large sum of money. She hates my guts. My friends and family stretching to play cousins would hold something. Acquaintances would be relieved of their struggle. Strangers would have a new name for secret Santa. There are few moments when my mind isn't on. Sensitivity is my crutch because I don't show it. I definitely feel it within me for you.

My sensitivity can never be turned off but it can be muted. Silence is too damaging. Implications love silence. Anger is life changing. Sarcasm is the cousin of anger. To mute my mind, I've built a man cave. There I can heed my parents' words to take care of myself. There's always music, pen and paper. Sometimes my hookah burns. Beer is available but thoughts of others still break through the clouds. The man cave crumbles soon after it is built. My selfish conscience is disappointed. He tries to convince me the feelings are just guilt. Stop giving a shit a move on. I know it isn't guilt. I was being me. It's hind site. I could have spoken to or acted upon certain situations better. Maybe some guilt. I was Catholic. Still, I am being me. I don't pressure or agitate. I'm awkward. I love music, books and documentaries - in that order. My vocab is good but I'm far from linguistic. I can enhance a conversation like whipped cream enhances a sundae - not like a diamond enhances jewelry.

Most men fall on my C curve. The quiet one who is assumed to be unassuming, uncaring, contemplative, or passive aggressive. At the end even predatory because a strong connection was shared that is now broken. My carnivorous instincts preyed on what I wanted or so it is assumed. Where's my man cave? To leave the mental exhaustion of those assumptions, I go to my man cave. Understand that everything I did before my hibernation to spoil you like a baby or to spoil the moment is now on hold. Everything assumed of me is filtered out. I can only hear the silence of my mind and the ease of Jazz. Please do not disturb.

Moment is a critical word for me. Moment categorizes Urban504 Photography. Moments are what we all have. How we choose to define them defines our being. Cherish the moments. If I lose the depth of a moment, I lose the chance to capture a great photo. If I take for granted the joyous moments I have with my daughters, I may not see another. Painful moments are difficult but they shouldn't be debilitating or scar inducing. It's a wrinkle on the brain to do better - to move on - to learn. Easier said but still can be done. I have met people where a great time was had: Love making, conversations, road trips, debates, bar hopping... I may not remember all the names involved but I remember the moments.