The Fatal Disconnect: Survival and Protection of Black



The disconnect between Black men and Black women is not recent. Many Black men and women who are 50 years old or younger have some form of daddy issues. Sociologists may point to the welfare system and the separation of Black fathers from their families. Psychologists may point to the PTSD Black men have just surviving and living in America. There are many theories for the disconnect but at some point Black men need to rewrite the narrative and take the lead in adoring and protecting Black women.



"Not knowing any better" has become generational. The reprehensible behaviors against Black women when our fathers and grandfathers were young now have a hashtag: #metoo. The behaviors now have a term: rape culture. In high school, I can vividly remember grabbing a woman's behind. When she said stop, I grabbed her again. That's assault. I can remember my dad telling me to always shake another man's hand when I enter a room. I can't remember him ever telling me the proper behaviors to respect Black women. If he did, I heard it but didn't listen.


Recently, McDonald's employee Yasmine James was attacked by a white man. Customer service and a straw were lacking so he felt the need to grab Yasmine and pull her over the counter. Yasmine physically held her own and good thing she did because none of her male co-workers came to her defense. Some white people will find an opportunity to dehumanize Black people. Nothing new. The outrage was the Black men who did nothing to protect Yasmine. A violent outburst will shock some into stillness but to be nonchalant in the presence of a woman being attacked is cowardly and a show of indifference. The disconnect. As Black people, if we don't protect our own, absolutely no one else will.


R. Kelly is the current hot topic because of a documentary televised by the Lifetime network. When the rumors surfaced that R. Kelly married 15-year-old Aaliyah and that Kelly frequently visited high schools and malls, he was already entrenched as a star on the rise. The gray matter was thick. No sides were taken. Most in the Kelly circle were naive and cashing checks. Most on the outside had no outrage because Kelly was a celebrity and in my belief, these were Black girls he was preying on. At least in Aaliyah's case, the other men in the room failed her. "Age ain't nothing but a number" was real. The disconnect. Some in Kelly's circle or acquaintance were uncomfortable but they said and did nothing to expose a pedophile. Liking them young is not a preference. Liking them young is a crime. The failure and mentality is generational.


Glance at social media and you'll see many posts about Black women being called crazy and Black men ain't shit. White people and other ethnics left this conversation. No need for them to stoke the fire because we keep it hot in bashing one another. The disconnect. The blatant disrespect for each other is somehow ingrained.

My girlfriend is a survivor. She was sexually molested from 9 years old until she had her first child at 15. Not one man in her young life protected her. Instead she was shunned and ridiculed as either a liar or she somehow deserved the assaults. She's Native-American. She's part of a Houma tribe who has, in my opinion, lost all connection to their indigenous roots. Those roots are dark-skinned people, Latin and native. My girl friend's family and extended family openly hated Black people. Some have grown from their ignorance but the generational flaws endured. Many women in her family were molested and raped by family members or people who were close to the family. Sometimes those who were hurt, hurt others. Nothing was said. Nothing was done by the adults. Nothing protective was done by the men. Oftentimes, the men closest to the family were doing the molesting.


Again, those who were hurt will sometimes hurt others. Kelly's younger brother implied that Kelly was sexually molested as a young boy. Kelly admitted in an interview with Tavis Smiley that sex came way too soon in his life. The generational flaws that have allowed the denigration of Black women and other women of color have made the perpetrators against them invincible. These men can hide in plain site because they prey on Black girls or boys and they fear no repercussions. Even today, the gray matter exists. Men and women still support R. Kelly as a person - music excluded. There is no collective outrage for a man who preyed on young Black and Latina girls. Kelly's manipulation and the control he gained over the girls was a process. There was time for the parents or adult members of the girls families to take protective action but they did not. Many of those adults saw the same stars as the impressionable teens they handed to Kelly. Only after the wounds were open did the adults take action but most disappointing, many of the angry adults were not men.


If the disconnect between Black men and women continues, African-Americans will die. We will no longer be connected spiritually and we will die. Black women desperately want us to step up and take the lead. Unfortunately, too many Black men are failing spiritually (not religiously), financially and mentally. Black women are fighting for themselves and they are now fighting us. Their frustration is at a tipping point. While we're preferring young girls, white or "exotic" women - or completely sexualizing Black women, courageous Black women are striving yet they are single. The village will never grow and be abundant with her and just her girlfriends. Our cultures will be lost or easily stolen. If we don't support and take care of our own, no one else will. Having daughters was not a wake up call for me in protecting Black girls. I've always had an inner want to watch the babies. My previous behavior was the seed and seeing toxic masculinity was the tree. Know better and do better Black men. Be leaders. This blog is about us, not the perceived flaws of Black women. No excuses.






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