Are you a Good Woman: The disconnect continues

Saturday, (Feb. 23), I went to the Sister in Power empowerment panel and fashion show tour. I was there as a photographer for NOLA.com at the request of PR coordinator, Jaleesa McDowell. How she was able to contact me I don't know but I'm sincerely grateful she reached me. Earlier in the event, WDSU's Christina Watkins and Q93's Sheba Songz asked the panel "What makes a good man?" Each gave non-emotional and impactful answers that made practical sense. Their answers were open to a multitude of different situations for different women.

Later in the event, Sheba Songz asked the men in the audience, "What makes a good woman?" The two men who answered focused on their wife. Specifically, one said he appreciates his wife being everything to their children. He doesn't have to worry at all about the condition of their children. Because of that he consciously and unconsciously gives his wife everything she needs and more. He works hard yet the children's welfare is not a stress to him and he fully appreciates his wife for that. He said, "She is being her natural self."

From my perspective, his definition of her "natural self" is her being the care taker and creator. His wife is allowing him to be the support and protector while his wife is the emotional calm and provider of the house. Somehow, that co-existence is now a negative portrayal of submission. Submissive is not in the vocabulary of the independent woman. Submissive is probably not the correct word to use anymore in regard to a loving relationship. To progress in this world of independent women, the word should be content. Content is stronger than happiness. Happiness is usually the emotional result of someone else's expectations and mood. Content is knowing your personal goal and achieving it.

A relationship in a state of contentment doesn't have guilt trips or coercion. There are no words or actions in content  used selfishly to get a reaction from the other. Sometimes words are useless. Content is quiet. It's God's time. It's unnoticed but greatly appreciated. Some in relationships talk remedies to their coexistence but their actions and excuses contradict the wellness they crave. Men in relationships want content. We want that quiet because we don't want to think. We just want to be men. Not thinking doesn't mean we're not focused on the relationship or our responsibilities. To the contrary, we want the relationship to be second nature or "back-of-my-hand" familiar. When men are in that state of mind within a relationship, we are content. We expect curve balls from the world we deal with. We don't want to deal with our relationships. We want to love the coexistence.

Maybe I'm stating utopian BS but I believe in contentment. Contentment allows for wiggle room to solve issues. Issues destroy the happiness of many relationships. Contentment appreciates the other's work ethic while still maintaining pride in appearance. One should look good for the other. One should have energy for the other. One should want to have a sex appeal for the other. The world is definitely ready to fill in the gaps but contentment is stronger than any temptation of greener grass. The comfort of contentment is sometimes indescribable but it's shared comfort. It's a shield from everything that ills most relationships. Seeking happiness and constant reactions let many of those ills through the shield and into the house.

For Louisiana women, the choice of men are unfortunately slim. The education system in Louisiana is horrible. Most men in New Orleans in their 20's and 30's earn $12 an hour or less. Most men in New Orleans still buy BS as symbols of status. When we ask where did you graduate, the default answer is a high school. The dog-eat-dog existence created by substandard education and unemployment or underemployment has created a man with no tangible goals. Contentment is certainly not one of them. Women have become commodities. New Orleans women have to jump all of those hurdles to have a loving relationship with a "good man."

In the midst of this Olympic intensive hurdling, a "good woman" will speak encouragement to the man who accepts encouragement. Both have to act positively with no wants other than to see improvement. After the encouragement, words are useless. Each have to act. One's moral perspective should never be a hurdle for the other. Even in a relationship without the hurdles, encouragement is effective. It's comforting. Human nature is to judge when we all know there is only one judge. In our judgements, we are intolerant. It's an ill that became air-borne through the shield. It's also an ill that may be the most difficult to cure. The best of us are infected.