Hypocritical Me

I've been told by different women that I see beauty in women most men don't see. I accept the compliment as an artist. The photographer in me surfaces. The obligation to see the unseen accepts their compliment. Emotion is as important to a photographer as the muse. Anticipating the emotion enables me to see the depth of her eyes. I see the smoothness of her shoulders. I see the roundness of her hips demanding attention away from her protruding belly. I see legs for days. I see short legs as smooth as chocolate. None of these glances are studied. The first impression isn't sexualized. These women have exactly what I see but to some, more attention is paid to the perceived negatives of her body. Personally, I am attracted to the physical nuances of women whether they are petite, full figured or somewhere in between. There's no lie in my photographs or when I shoot my shot and tell you about your beauty. The complications come in the simplicity of me.

For a man's weak sense of temptation, the worst aspect of women is that they are all different. Men want to taste as many as desirably possible. The women who seem to most be devoured by this food fetish are full figured women. They are the truest image of woman. Women are creation yet they are also the truest art. History has crowned them. Recent history has shamed full figured women. Even Tyra Banks has explanation of her appearance on swimsuit magazine covers. Hips, butt, thighs, the best cleavage ever... "Mom bodies" who struggle to keep their weight under vogue magazine standards are this generation's MILF. I would like to f*#k her but would I want to adore and love her? The surface answer is yes but here's where my shallow senses betray me. 

Google Tabria Majors, Marquita Pring, Tash Ncube, Brielle Cunningham, Leslie Sidora, Olivia Campbell or Simone Charles. These women are full figured yet it doesn't take much effort to see these women are gorgeous - and I don't mean in a big girl kind of way. I have a shallow weight matters preference or more of a physical nuance preference. I was once with a woman with amazing brown skin, phat hips, thighs and ass with a small waist (compared to her thick bottom). Amazing but she had varicose veins in her legs. Legs are easily my fav so the sight was difficult to look past. Even with the full figured models mentioned, a critical eye can be unrealistic and cruel. I love your soft belly but let's drink green smoothies for three months. You good but you can be better. Not so subtle shit like that comes to my mind if the full figured woman doesn't mention anything to be "better." When she does read my mind and quips "I need to chill with the ice cream this week" then I love her smooth, round belly all over again. I don't think we speak as much or as consistently adverse comments with non full figured women. 

Full figured model Simone Charles is an unwanted body goal for some full figured woman. Men can't accept that. I want her but she's a 7. If she toned this, she would be a 9.5. Take me or leave me is real. So many women would rather have a lap dog than deal with our bullshit. Men want the ideal woman. That ideal comes in many body sizes and different color tones but still ideal. Women who are content and act with the idea of what they want from men mainly want acceptance. These women probably aren't on social media. They are on their daily grind waiting for a chill weekend. We fail to notice her because she's not at the bar taking selfies but she knows her boobs are plush and her personality... I mean her yoni is addictive.

I will love everything about her except lack of effort. I love her effort. I have acquaintances who are beautiful full figured women. I know I can relax and be life with them because they are active in some way. They refuse to let weight be a crutch or a deterrent to being their exceptional self. Confidence is a mothafucka. It's motion I don't care to see stop. Some exercise but love dessert. Not a beneficial combo but it's still effort. Effort keeps me more than anything else in a relationship. I've learned effort is important. My lack of effort hurts her. Her lack of effort stings - makes me want to crawl into myself. A phone call. Recognizing when attention is needed. Pep talk: The ass in me doesn't verbally express this. The ass in me disregards everything else I find adorable and sexy about her. Hopefully her positive personality doesn't sour - back breaker. Quiet distance sneaks in until the fracture comes that no amount of exercise can repair. My artistic eye was my eye all along.

"Not my Personality"

I broke up a relationship because she rarely contacted me. No texts. No calls. Only sporadic responses to my attempts to contact her. I eventually assumed she wasn't interested so I said, f*+k it, I'm done. That was years ago. Know the clues right? I wasn't thinking about clues as much as feeling disrespected. At least give a word that you don't want to be bothered. I eventually learned the silence was her personality. She didn't want to be bothered with phone conversations, small talk or much outside of her personal life. Why date if being social is not your personality? I use to ask myself the same question until I realized I wasn't anti social. I was bored with the conversation or the person. Selfish. She's not entertaining me. Entertainment doesn't = relationship.

A woman stopped dating me because I had little to say during our phone conversations. She pleaded with me to strike conversation. I had nothing. I somehow took her pleas as a personal attack. I've never been a good phone conversationalist. Why couldn't she understand that? I refused to understand she wanted the interaction to feel wanted... to feel closer to me. To her, wanting conversation wasn't a plea, it was simple want I didn't address. She was 100% correct. At that point, her physical attributes didn't matter. She was absolutely stunning. She was a speech therapist for children. She was a single mom looking for an authentic heart to heart relationship. She said and did everything to and with me that gave confirmation to her intentions. I still think about her and the ease with which I let her walk away. She was a painful learning experience. Selfishly putting the not my personality disclaimer at her destroyed what might have been the love I'm still reaching for. Probably need to stop reaching but... Avoiding my insecurities instead of addressing them voided any effort I may have presented. At worst, being content with my detached personality doomed that relationship and others I've had.