Vulnerability: Do you love you

By Amby...

Fuck it

I give up

I fall to my knees in supplication begging for the lord of eternal vulnerability to release his grip from my breaking body and let me breathe

My guardian angel grows weak

Her wings no longer support the weight of my self pity

The puppet smile has become a constant in my daily life

Each fake appreciation for the fake responses of concern for my need to live instead of survive    turns her glowing wings to midnight black and she kneels beside me

My heart breaks at the speed of snail in salt

Piece by piece I try to collect each piece to fix the puzzle

But there is always a missing piece floating beyond my reach

Giving space to more pain my head can’t take it

The pain of knowing what I should do but refuse to do find my sanity causes the voices to retreat and walk straight into the war zone

No peace is what I deserve

There’s no wall to force people to climb to get to me

To manipulate my illness

I give my all and ask for nothing but half of you in return

I’m not worthy of you

I deserve nothing  

I am nothing

I look in the mirror dissecting every outer flaw while the voices in my head crack my inside with insults and lies

The Queen looking back at me speaks

“Why don’t you love me”

“Why don’t you see who you really are”

For so long my voice spoke silently as my body was used as a vessel for forgiveness

For comfort

For falsehoods

For release from the oppression

Why can’t I love me

I’ve been told to pray about it

Take a rosary bead and ask my father to forgive my transgressions

His penance is always to

Wait

Wait for a sign and you will be saved

But how do you trust a god

So jealous

So vengeful

When his gift of free will got me in this shit

I want to be free

I want to block memories that continually break me and place them in a box to be stored in the deepest depths of my mind never to be open again

I want to learn to say no as a command and not a question

I want to rid myself of one night stands that turn into are you up calls

No more looking in the mirror not knowing who I truly am-

A Queen whose body becomes a trickster when the lights are on

I want to laugh at those who words of deceit bounce off my brown skinned armor

I rebuke you

All things that try to take advantage of all of me

My wall is made of titanium

I am no longer numb

I feel

I have feelings

My path to forgiveness is clearly laid out for me and I will walk it alone

At the end of the path there is a gift for me

At the end of my journey I will be free to forgive the one that hurt me the most

I will finally be given the chance to open the gift and forgive

Me